Selfishness, Self-reliance, Self-condemnation

“This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:19-20 (NIV)

We need God…and we need each other!

God created us that way!  Just take a look at the climax of God’s good creation as recorded in Genesis and you’ll see that it built to the point of “NOT good” that we suffered “aloneness” without one another.  God completed his creation and resolved the problem of aloneness by creating human beings…in the plural.  We are made for a love relationship with God and with one another.

John’s “love one another” (1 John 3:11) is not new.  We’ve heard it from the beginning but we’re still learning the lesson of love.  Look through the “one anothers” of the New Testament and you’ll see how integral is loving one another in self-sacrificing, practical ways.  One list of these “one anothers” is linked here as “Ten Important Relational Needs.”  Download the document, review the relational needs, identify your needs and the needs of those close to you, then get busy “loving one another.”

Three sin-dangers prevent us from loving each other in these ways:

• Selfishness—We become preoccupied with “my needs” and try to force others to meet those needs.  We demand that “my needs” be met, and we expect it from others trying to take what can only be given.
• Self-reliance—We deny that we have relational needs and ignore our need for authentic, open relationships with others.  We pretend that everything is okay and become an isolated island cutting ourselves off from genuine, intimate relationship with God and with others.
• Self-condemnation—We recognize our needs but feel guilty that we have needs.  We condemn ourselves because we feel undeserving and self-responsible for being needy.

Note that SELF is the root of each of these sin-dangers.  John challenges us to turn our attention away from self toward others by giving ourselves away in love.  Interestingly, when we give ourselves away in meeting the needs of others, that is when our needs are best met.  Acknowledging that we have needs…and other people do, too…frees us to open ourselves to others in giving and receiving love.  Resting in God’s love liberates us from condemnation and releases us from the guilt that prevents us from giving and receiving love.

Stop for just a moment and think about your own needs.  Admit that you have needs.  Accept the fact that God has made you that way so that you would depend upon him to meet your needs.  Thank God that he has met everyone of your needs directly through Jesus Christ and is continuing to meet your needs indirectly through others.  Confess your sin of selfishness, of demanding that your needs be met, of trying to take what you can only receive.  Turn to God in faith, open yourself to others in vulnerability.  Allow God to draw you toward others by giving and receiving love by meeting these practical relational needs.

One word of caution:  Relationships are messy!  You will be disappointed in people!  You will often find yourself falling short!  However, the rewards are worth the effort!  You draw closer to God, your spouse, your family, your friends, your group, your church.  So, roll up your sleeves and get busy…

Love one another,

Scott Corwin, Pastor

P.S.  To read or to hear more about these relational needs, I highly recommend the resources of “intimate life ministries” linked here:  www.greatcommandment.net.  They have online resources, online radio programs, books, small group material, etc. that will transform your relationships!

7 Comments to Selfishness, Self-reliance, Self-condemnation

1. 

   Sometimes i think selfishness and self-condemnation are separated by a thin line. How does one express their need without being to needy? Most of the time i loom around self-reliance and self condemntion especially on occasions when i am with my friends or when you know that there are other things more important to worry about, like Mathias dad, but how do you make your need known with out sounding out right rude? In other words how do you express yourself in order to get the help you need? Is it more on how or who you express it to?
kenya on July 22nd, 2010
2. 

   Great insights, Kenya! Selfishness can make a person prideful and braggadocious or excessively lowly and self-belittling. Neither extreme reflect the honesty and balance of Christ-like humility that recognizes ones value while acknowledging ones needs. Maybe that’s the secret to expressing oneself: humility…simply acknowledging your needs and inviting a trusted person to lovingly choose to meet that need. For example, I might say something like this to my daughter: “I’m feeling disconnected and distant from you and miss you. I would like to have a good, long conversation about meaningful things with you sometime soon. Can we schedule a skype call sometime soon?” Put yourself out there–your feelings. Ask for what you want but don’t demand that your needs be met. Then, start meeting the needs of others and watch how love comes back to you.
Scott on July 22nd, 2010
3. 

   What quickly came to me as I was reading this and even on Sunday during the service was how God keeps on waiting for us to come back and have a relationship with Him. God loves us before we even chose to love Him back. He continues to wait on us, delaying His second coming so that more of us can get a chance to hear about His great love for us. True love in this respect has nothing much to do with what we do or will do. It has more to do with God waiting on us to come back to Him so that we can live in His presence and glory. However, that said you are right we need to continually avail ourselves to be loved and to love, learning from the great master of Love, who is Love himself.
   One of the most challenging concepts, I will be a student of for the rest of my life is LOVE. Probably 1 Cor 13 sums it up all for me. Every time I read it I am like, God, how do I do this. All the same I know that I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
Mac on July 24th, 2010
4. 

   I love it! A student of love…in ALL its dimensions! A careful look at the Great Commandment shows us each dimension of that love. First, as you’ve noted, God’s incredible love for us and our response to God’s love. Second, a healthy sense of self-love that comes from experiencing God’s love. Third, a neighbor love that is an overflow of God’s love for us, in us, and through us. May God strengthen us through the indwelling Christ to be agents of his love.
Scott on July 24th, 2010
5. 

   (I had written this on the “Quit sinning” blog a few weeks ago, but it fits better with this week’s passage…)

   In reading thru I John several times on my long BVG commutes to work, what seemed very comforting in light of realizing my habitual & discouraging sinfulness was I John 19-20: “This then is how we know that we belong to the truth, and how we set our hearts AT REST in his presence whenever our hearts condemn us. For God is GREATER than our hearts, and he knows everything.” Praise be to His grace & “hesed” ! Thank you Scott for prodding us to take a spiritual inventory…. not easy, but once we force ourselves to do it, so very liberating…!
Karen on July 24th, 2010
6. 

   In an international setting like ours at IBCB, it is a challenge to be open and share selflessly in the “spirit” of love. I as a person have been and I suppose have exhibited some resentfulness due to differences in culture and perceptions. Apart from some few exceptions, I am inclined to rather move close to children and speak with them because adults are too casual in my opinion. I have been touched and convicted through the messages and the texts. However, this cultural thing is standing in my way. Could you help me on this.
Festus on July 24th, 2010
7. 

   Festus, you point out one of the interesting aspects of our journey as Christians in an international church especially when it comes to caring relationships. One “value” I emphasize–see About–is: “Authentic relationships–we intend to live genuine and transparent lives in relationship with one another in the biblical community of growth groups.” Cultural factors get in the way of us living these kinds of relationships. Busy-ness does, too! The only way I see to get beyond these kinds of barriers is to commit ourselves to SERVICE in groups committed to growth. Can’t happen on Sundays. Has to be nurtured during the week through focused, intentional authentic relationships. Let’s discuss some of the cultural barriers sometime soon. On the journey with you!
Scott on July 25th, 2010

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